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I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
Don`t Follow Me, I`m Lost Too
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. how many fish do you have?? stop counting smart one fish can`t drown
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.