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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
Sometimes I like to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and think what it would be like to stare at other ceilings.
I wish Monday was a figment of my imagination.
I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!
I`ve seen bride magazines but have yet to see "Eager Groom" magazines.
According to my roommate`s diary, I have boundary issues.
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!