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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.