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Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
Thinks that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking, I think.
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
I don´t like to think of myself as "Special"... I think I would call me a limited edition.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
My favorite beer is an open one.
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
It needs more cowbell!!