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I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Who else`s favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
Chip clips are for quitters.
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.