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I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn`t even eat them.
therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!