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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
Just because it`s a bad idea, doesn`t mean it`s not going to be a good time.
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it`s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.