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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
Helped my kid pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”