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There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.