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Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
screw flowers, its all about chia pets ;)
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
What`s this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?