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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…