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Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
If by “clubbing” you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I’m pretty into the club scene.
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.