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Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
If someone is uncomfortable watching you masturbate they; A. Have intimacy issues B. Are frigid C. Should sit somewhere else on the bus
The high cost of livin ain`t nothin like the cost of livin high
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
Time is precious ... waste it wisely!
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.