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I just can`t help it ... Sarcastic bitch is built-in.
Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
It is days like today that I am glad that we all don`t live in a Yellow Submarine. Well at least not in the same one.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
That sounds fried. I`ll take it.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
REPOSTED~WARNING~PLEASE READ! If someone comes to your door and asks you to remove your clothes,and dance with your arms in the air...~DO NOT DO THIS....~It is a SCAM~...They just want to see you naked....I wish I had known this yesterday....I feel so stupid now
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`