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New day, same old bullsh!t
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
I suspects that whoever named that Icelandic volcano (Eyjafjallajokull) must have fallen asleep on their keyboard while thinking it up.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.