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There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.