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Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn`t stop coloring till 2 o`clock this morning.
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.