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One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
Have I posted my Alzheimers joke yet?
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to `Brandy from the club` then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.