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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
Would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.