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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
The police never think its as funny as I do.
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
Try trick or treating in spandex... I`ve seen how much it can hold.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.