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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Iām giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
I dont pay for cabs if Iām too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
Iām the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...