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Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Do you ever get that feeling that you are being watched? Because if it is bothering you, I can stop.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
It´s never to late to be happy
morning i hate girls evening i need girls
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.