Daily Silly Status

Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.

I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))

People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.

If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.

I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

I could do so much more if I only had minions.

To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.

Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?

I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.

True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.

When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm

I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`