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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point