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Sometimes all you need is $100,000
Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.