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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I`d probably choke it.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.
OK so i have an idea ............... wait why are you all running away?