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Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
"That`s close enough..." ~Government worker
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.