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I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
The best things in life require no pants.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
I hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!