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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.