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New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.
On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.