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My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!