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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
B!tch, I will slap you by accident on purpose.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired.