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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
Next on SportsCenter: Where is Tim Tebow watching the Super Bowl and how will that impact the game?
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.