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I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
If you tickle me, Iām not responsible for your injuries.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.