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Maybe vodka is addicted to me
Quiet people have the loudest minds.
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
Iām over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Your so vain...you probably think this post is about you
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
You know you`re desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.