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This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
Did you know that one minute of kissing burns 26 calories? No wonder those sluts are so damn skinny.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Born free. Now, Iām expensive.
Does the employee manual say I CAN`T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.