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I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
Forecast for today: Unproductive with a chance of a late drinking session.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
According to Debrah in HR, "Back up off my balls" is not the proper way to tell someone to wait for assistance.
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
Back in my day we had 9 planets.
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."