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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
I liked you until you started ignoring me and then I loved you. -Girls ---- Bfanch
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
Few people have the balls to admit when they`re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.