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Sorry I stopped listening to your story when it wasn’t about me
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.