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Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
The brain is like the most outstanding organ. It works for 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
My internet goes out more than I do.
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”