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Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
I`m here to pick you up when you fall. Whether I tripped you is another thing...
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
To all my friends who post Controversial, Obscene, Dirty, Offensive, and Derogatory posts, .. Keep that sh!t up. I like it....
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.