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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
Everyone has their area of expert knowledge.... if any of you need tips on how to do absolutely nothing amazingly well, let me know.
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...