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Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
Everyone has a right to their own opinion, no matter how wrong they are. And that`s why we have a problem.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`