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My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"