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Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
I am the bestest at the English language...
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.