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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
Testing.. Testing.. This is a test. If this were an actual ploy for attention.. I would`ve said "bacon" or "boobies."
Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.