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Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
I get very nervous out when my Subway sandwich moves up the crowded assembly line without me.
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.