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Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Thanks for posting pics of what you had for dinner, the suspense was f*cking killing me.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.