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I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist!
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Hold that pose. My camera is ringing.
There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
For those of you who know nothing about pleasing a woman... the G spot is located at the end of the word "shopping".....js
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
Why does the person who snores always fall asleep first?