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Everyone has their area of expert knowledge.... if any of you need tips on how to do absolutely nothing amazingly well, let me know.
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone