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I took a sexual harassment course yesterday...I think I`m going to be pretty good at it.
I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"