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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
i have noticed you notice me noticing you
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.
In the South, they remove the `g` from the end of most words. Just sayin`.