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I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
Don`t you just hate it when people say stuff in thier status that you really didn`t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop. Talk to ya later.
The good thing about being tall is, you can`t get lost in a crowd. The bad thing is, you can`t get lost in a crowd.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
Mirror mirror on the wall, I am sexy; screw you all.
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.