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McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.