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I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.