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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
Have a day. That`s about as inspirational I get.
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.