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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.