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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
If you speak too slowly, I will complete all your sentences in my mind in ways that makes your story much more interesting
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
I think Iām allergic to mornings.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!