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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
Felt like being Bad today, like an Outlaw Bad, felt like doing something illegal, so I ran through the house ripping off all the Mattress Tags..... Come and get me Coppers, but you won`t take me alive.......................
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.