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I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
Currently helping my sister look for her chocolate`s I ate 4hrs ago.
I`ll tell you what`s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....