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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
I liked you until you started ignoring me and then I loved you. -Girls ---- Bfanch
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
Don`t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70`s when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?