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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
You guys ever trip out on the fact that Indian people eat Indian food for breakfast?
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
Here walk a mile in my shoes. They`re giving me huge blisters.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
One of my female friend is reading a book called "Learn to drive in a week" for the last 3 years.
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.