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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don’t get her a size S with a gift receipt, you’re an a$$hole.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
I was thinking about jumping on the Patriot`s Fan bandwagon, but I am afraid that the tires would be deflated...
I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I`m bored.