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Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
I put my head between my legs and lean forward.....thats how I roll
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
The Patriots defensive coverage was almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
What doesn`t kill you, makes you stronger... except for lions, lions will definitely kill you.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window