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I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I`ve seen more pins in the last few days then stone cold steve austin on groundhog day..
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
More people should be at a loss for words.
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted