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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
I always try to learn from the mistakes of other people..... who have taken my advice
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: The one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.