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Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.