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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
I`m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math...
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
Running away does not help with the problems unless you are fat
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
Does Holy Crap comes from Holy Cow.?
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D