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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
Cashiers are always checking me out.
I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
If a man says something in the woods.. And there are no women there.. Is he still wrong? O_o
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
I`d like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.