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Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic