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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
To all the people who think they don`t need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching. -Bfanch
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.