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I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.