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If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.