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Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.