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Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.
I`m starting group meetings at my house for people who have OCD, not because I have it, but surely one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
It´s never to late to be happy
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?