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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.