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Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling