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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
Sadly, the opposite sex is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.
For the past 3 years I have been planning to write an article on Procrastination!!!
If you like to spoon, you`ll love to spatula. That`s where I flip you over to make certain you`re done properly on both sides.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.