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"I`d like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it`ll go EVERYWHERE."
I like it like that
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?