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I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.