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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
I`m one more bottle of wine away from starting a blog.
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
I hate it when I put a status and you don`t like it,example this one.
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.