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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
Any time someone says "have you seen that YouTube video?" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!
You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some Midol.
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.