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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
Gravity is a real downer.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
Chip clips are for quitters.
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
Why is it always the same person getting in your way from start to checkout at the grocery store?
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.