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Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
I would unblock you but then I`d be admitting I`d made a mistake and that`s just not my thing.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.