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Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
Iām just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
Iām not brave. Iām just past the age where running is an option.
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
It`s just adorable how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won`t be back tomorrow.
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
It`s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards